Validation Versus Intimacy
Finlayson-Fife observes that many of us want our spouse to make us feel OK about ourselves. We look to them for approval, reassurance, and agreement. That's understandable, but when it becomes the main thing we want, marriage turns into a constant check on whether we're getting enough. She contrasts this with real intimacy, which means knowing and being known, including the parts that aren't flattering. Learning to steady yourself, rather than relying on your partner to always validate you, frees you to be more honest and more generous. A useful question is, 'What am I hoping my partner will make me feel right now?' If the answer is 'that I'm okay,' try giving yourself that reassurance first. Then you can share what you really think, without needing a particular reaction back.
When you feel hurt today, try first telling yourself what you hoped your partner would say.
Source: Finlayson-Fife, Want Versus Desire (transcript)
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. Not a substitute for counseling.
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