Staying Yourself While Staying Close
Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's work centers on differentiation, a concept from family systems theory. In her words it's about balancing our need for connection with our need to be our own person. A differentiated spouse can stay close without losing themselves, and can hold their own view without pulling away or needing to win. That's hard, because when our partner disagrees we often either cave to keep the peace or push harder for agreement. Growth happens when you can stay steady, calm your own anxiety, and stay in the conversation. In practice this can sound like, 'I see it differently, and I still want to understand you.' You stay kind and you stay honest at the same time. Noticing your urge to cave or to push, then pausing for a breath before you answer, is where the skill gets built.
In your next disagreement, say your view calmly once, then stay curious about theirs without needing them to agree.
Source: Finlayson-Fife, Differentiation topic page
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. Not a substitute for counseling.
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