Under the Fight: It's About Feeling Safe
Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), built her work on attachment science. Her core idea is that adults need a safe emotional bond with a partner in much the same way children need a caregiver. Under most fights about dishes, money, or sex, she saw deeper questions: Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you? When the answer feels like no, people panic. Some protest loudly and some go quiet. Both are trying to protect the bond. Seeing a fight as a cry for connection, not just an attack, can change how you respond. When a fight starts, you might ask yourself, 'What am I afraid of right now?' Often the answer is something like 'that I don't matter' or 'that I'm failing.' Naming that fear, even silently, can soften how you speak next.
In your next tense moment, ask yourself: what is my partner really asking me under these words?
Source: ICEEFT, What is EFT?
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Sue Johnson. Not a substitute for counseling.
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