The Demon Dialogues
In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson describes three negative patterns couples get caught in, which she calls Demon Dialogues. In 'Find the Bad Guy,' both partners blame and attack. In 'Protest Polka,' the most common one, one partner pursues and pushes for connection while the other withdraws to avoid conflict, and each move triggers more of the other. In 'Freeze and Flee,' both have given up and pulled away. Her key point is that the pattern itself is the enemy, not your partner. When you can both name the dance you're stuck in, you can step out of it together instead of blaming each other. Try naming your pattern together when things are calm: 'When I push, you pull away, and then I push harder.' Give it a nickname if that helps. Next time it starts, either of you can say the nickname as a cue to slow down.
Name your usual pattern out loud together: 'We're doing our dance again.' Then pause.
Source: Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight (2008)
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Sue Johnson. Not a substitute for counseling.
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