Desire Needs Some Distance

Esther Perel points out a tension at the center of long-term love. We want security: closeness, comfort, and knowing each other well. Desire, though, often thrives on some mystery, freedom, and seeing your partner as a separate person. The things that build a cozy home can quietly smother erotic spark. She doesn't say to give up closeness. She suggests making room for both. Couples often notice attraction when they see each other being fully themselves, like confident, absorbed in something, or admired by others. You don't need a new partner to feel newness. You need to see your partner with fresh eyes. One idea is to watch your partner when they're in their element, like playing with the kids, talking about their work, or doing a hobby, and tell them what you noticed. Seeing them as their own person can bring back a spark of curiosity.

Source: Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity (2006)

Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Esther Perel. Not a substitute for counseling.

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