Desire Comes From Wholeness
Finlayson-Fife distinguishes wanting from desiring. Wanting can be driven by need, like wanting reassurance, relief, or proof you're loved. Desire, as she describes it, comes from a fuller, more whole self that chooses to invest in another person. In her work on sexuality, she emphasizes that healthy desire grows when each partner has their own agency, can receive as well as give, and isn't weighed down by shame. Desire isn't just a body that responds. It's two whole people choosing each other. A gentle place to start is asking yourself what you enjoy and want for yourself, apart from what's expected. Taking care of your health, interests, and confidence isn't selfish. It brings a fuller, more present you to the relationship.
Reflect: what helps me feel most like myself? Do one small thing today that feeds that part of you.
Source: Finlayson-Fife, Want Versus Desire (transcript)
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. Not a substitute for counseling.
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