You Are Not Fighting Your Partner, You're Fighting the Pattern
Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, says that in hard moments we switch from our wise adult self into an old, adaptive child part that learned how to survive long ago. He encourages couples to remember 'us' instead of 'you and me.' Instead of asking 'Who's right?', ask 'What would be good for us right now?' He calls this relational thinking. It doesn't mean ignoring your needs. It means pursuing them in a way that keeps the relationship in view. When a conflict starts, try asking, 'What would be good for us here, not just for me?' Picture your relationship as a third thing in the room that you both care for. It can shift your goal from winning to finding something you can both live with.
When you notice yourself heating up, ask, 'Which part of me is driving right now?' and 'What's good for us?'
Source: Terry Real, The New Rules of Marriage (2007) and Us (2022)
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Terry Real. Not a substitute for counseling.
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