The Five Losing Strategies
Terry Real names five moves that feel natural in conflict but almost always backfire. Needing to be right. Controlling your partner. Unbridled self-expression, meaning dumping every feeling with no filter. Retaliation, meaning getting even. And withdrawal, meaning pulling away to punish or protect yourself. He calls them losing strategies because even when you 'win,' the relationship loses. Most people have one or two favorites. Seeing yours is the first step to choosing something that actually works. A quick self-check after a tense moment: was I trying to be right, to control, to vent everything, to get even, or to disappear? Naming it privately, without shame, makes it easier to catch next time. Then you can choose a winning move instead, like stating what you want kindly.
Pick which losing strategy you lean on most and catch yourself once today before it comes out.
Source: Terry Real, The New Rules of Marriage (2007) and Us (2022)
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Terry Real. Not a substitute for counseling.
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