The Antidote to Contempt: Appreciation

In the Gottmans' research, contempt was the strongest single predictor of divorce. It grows from long-held negative thoughts about your partner, so it can't be fixed only in the moment of an argument. The antidote is building a habit of appreciation and respect. That means actively scanning for what your partner does right, not just what they get wrong, and saying it out loud. It can be small: they made lunches, they were patient with a kid, they worked a long shift. Over time this changes the lens you see them through. You don't have to feel warm to start. Noticing is a skill, and like any skill it gets easier the more you practice. One way to practice is to catch one thing each evening you're glad your partner did, however small, and say it out loud in a single sentence. Being specific, like 'thanks for handling the bedtime meltdown,' lands far better than a general 'thanks for everything.'

Source: Gottman Institute, The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes

Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by John & Julie Gottman. Not a substitute for counseling.

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