Most Problems Don't Get Solved, and That's OK
One of the Gottmans' most surprising findings is that most ongoing conflicts in a marriage never fully go away. They come from lasting differences in personality or needs, like a saver and a spender, or an early bird and a night owl. Happy couples have these too. The difference is they learn to talk about them with humor and kindness instead of getting stuck in gridlock. The goal shifts from 'fix it' to 'understand it.' Often there is a dream or deep value hidden behind each side's position. When you get curious about that, the problem gets lighter even if it never disappears. When the same argument comes up again, try asking, 'What does this mean to you? Is there a story behind it?' Listen for the value underneath, like security, freedom, or respect. You may still disagree, but you'll understand each other better.
Pick one recurring disagreement and ask, 'What does this mean to you? Is there a story or dream behind it?'
Source: John Gottman & Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by John & Julie Gottman. Not a substitute for counseling.
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