Ask for What You Want, Kindly

Real teaches that it's better to go after what you want than to complain about what you didn't get. Complaints look backward and invite defense. Requests look forward and give your partner a way to win. Instead of 'You never help at bedtime,' try 'Would you do bath time tonight? It would help me a lot.' He also encourages generosity: when your partner asks for something, try to say yes to what you can and offer something, rather than defending yourself. Turn a complaint into a request by saying what you want, not what's wrong. Instead of 'you never help,' try 'could you handle the dishes on weeknights?' Keep it specific, doable, and short, and thank them when they follow through.

Source: Terry Real, The New Rules of Marriage (2007) and Us (2022)

Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by Terry Real. Not a substitute for counseling.

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