When You Shut Down: Flooding and Breaks

Stonewalling is often not coldness. It usually happens when someone gets flooded, meaning their body is so stirred up (racing heart, hot face, tunnel vision) that they can't think or listen well. The Gottmans found that trying to keep talking while flooded rarely goes anywhere good. The antidote is physiological self-soothing: call a break, say when you'll come back, and spend at least about twenty minutes doing something truly calming. Don't spend the break rehearsing your comeback or replaying how wronged you are, because that keeps you flooded. Then actually return to the conversation. A break with a promise to come back feels very different to your partner than walking away. A practical tip: agree ahead of time, while calm, on a signal for a break, like a word or a hand gesture. Take at least twenty minutes, do something soothing such as a walk or slow breathing, and name a time you'll come back.

Source: Gottman Institute, Self-Soothing

Paraphrased in our own words. Not affiliated with or endorsed by John & Julie Gottman. Not a substitute for counseling.

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